I typically write advice articles for men. But today I am pressed into duty to provide some much-needed advice to the opposite sex. So ladies, listen up. Because the truth bullets I’m about to discharge will sting, but they will also help you avoid scaring off a perfectly date-worthy man.
Recently, a female friend brought to my attention a series of comedic YouTube videos about “Boner Killers.” She scoffed at their implausibility, saying, “Yeah right! There’s no such thing as boner killers. Guys will bang anything.”
True…in theory. Not so much in reality.
It’s often said that women know whether or not they find a man bed-worthy within the first ten seconds of meeting. Alternatively, when a man goes on a date with a woman, as long as she’s got all her limbs and at least one good eye, you better believe he’s going to try to sleep with her. As soon as possible.
Generally speaking, women are smart enough to know this about men. And it gives them a lot of power over the course of a date or courtship.
But what women don’t know is that there are a handful of things that can rear their ugly heads and become instant deal-breakers for men.
I’ve done some research, interviewed friends and posted questions in forums, in order to compile a comprehensive list of the five most common things that turn off men.
These behavioral miscues are grade-A boner killers, meaning not only will your man lose any interest in sleeping with you, he might also cut a date short,delete your number, and use you as fodder in his next amateur standup act.
So women, here is a guide to real boner-killers you should avoid at all costs.
1. Finishing everything on your plate.
If you’re on a first date and you polish off your entire meal, it’s a major red flag. True or not, it sends strong signals about you. That signal being, you’re fat.
First off, it shows a total lack of etiquette and decorum. Femininity is all about elegance, self-control and a mindfulness of body. Scarfing down an entire American-sized meal portion at, say, the Cheesecake Factory will only make men wonder what you’re hiding under that slightly baggy shirt.
And if you do have a killer body in spite of downing that Factory Burger, it’s a sure sign that you’re bulimic. Which nobody wants. As George Costanza famously said, “I’m paying for those meals!”
2. Talking about your social media following.
The Internet is a beautiful thing. But it has many dark sides. And one of those dark sides is that it’s an easy place for insecure women to stroke their egos. It’s also one of the lamest conversation topics you could ever bring up on a date.
Men don’t care about the cats you follow on Instagram. We could not be less interested in your feminist social justice warrior article that trended on Medium. Describing your Pinterest page inspires jihad-level hatred. The only thing this type of gibberish communicates is that you’re insecure as hell. We get it, you’re a woman, and you need validation because of your frail body type, but come on.
That’s why women hang out on the Internet in the first place — to ease their insecurities. Social media is just the female equivalent of sixteen-year-old nerdy dudes in the ’90s playing Quake all night because they can’t get a date.
The only difference is, you discovered the Internet about 20 years too late. Because when you were a teenager, you were doing what insecure teenage girls do: sleeping around.
So when you brag about your Twitter followers, the only thing we hear is that you probably have HPV.
3. Body hair.
All women have physical preferences in men. There are things we can control and things we can’t. You might only be attracted to tall men, but that bad tattoo on that tall man could be a deal breaker.
Men are exactly the same. I may prefer blondes. But unless that blonde is freshly waxed from neck to toe, it’s a deal breaker.
Just as the tribal tattoo communicates that a guy is a douchebag, your thick coating of arm hair communicates that you have just as poor hygiene down below. A girl with smooth arms, on the other hand? That’s a woman whose lower lips I want to kiss.
If a man has unkempt hair or out-of-control eyebrows, it says something about their intimate hygiene. I know you don’t want to touch a grungy penis. And I don’t want to have to hack my way through your pubes with a machete to get to your vagina. It’s a two-way street.
So clean up those lumberjack arms. It’s disgusting. Nobody wants to see that.
4. Talking about “that time you were raped.”
Oh god, this thing is so tired. For some reason, women just love to claim they were raped nowadays, when maybe they just got too drunk at that party. It’s become a go-to for women who need to be heard and need attention. Nobody wants to hear about your rape.
Thanks to Dylan Farrow, it’s trendy right now for women to be “brave” and write humble-brag essays about that time they were date raped and how they moved on.
But let’s keep that bottled up a little bit longer for the purposes of us having dinner. No one wants to hear about it. It will inevitably lead to an argument about the grey-area definition of rape, and that one time you got drunk and had a three-way at a frat house “but didn’t really want to.” Hey, if I called it rape every time I regretted having drunken sex with some hideous monster, I’d be the next commencement speaker at Mount Holyoke College.
5. Talking about how you used to be fat.
Fat is not physical. It’s a state of mind. “Once a fat girl, always a fat girl,” as my fat grandmother used to say. And if you used to be fat and are now skinny, guard that shameful secret with your life. Because you do not want a man you’re interested in to ever find out about that.
“Formerly fat” is an instant boner killer. It communicates so much – the most obvious being that you have the capacity to be fat again. And given that marriage is basically a license to let yourself go, no dude wants to sign up for that. Talking about how you used to be fat is not an accomplishment to be admired. It’s a crystal ball that reveals what you’ll probably look like in a few short years.
An unfortunate side effect is that it also means you probably don’t give oral sex. Fat girls are blowjob queens because they are desperate for male attention, and no one turns down a blowjob. But now that you are skinny, you wrongly believe you “don’t have to do that anymore.” Sorry, Chubs. You think Paris Hilton got famous for being charismatic and pretty? There’s not a single man on the planet signing up for a no-blow situation.
There you have it. The truth hurts, but I’m not here to sugar coat my advice for you. Use these tips wisely, and you may just find yourself getting banged out multiple times by a nice guy with no tribal tattoos. But if you’re fat, you might want to stay inside.