5 Reasons Why Porn Sucks

The Top 5 Worst Things About Modern Porn

Porn is fantastic for so, so many reasons. But there’s also a billion horrible things about porno too. As technology has improved, so has production value. A lot of the higher-echelon porn companies like Brazzers and BangBros have turned the porn industry into Hollywood Jr., staging ever more elaborate and fake performances.

This isn’t a good thing – far from it. Insanely fake screams, ultra-HD shots of testicles and out-of-hands stories are just a few of the things I hate about new porn. Here’s the things I hate most about modern porn.

Showing the dude’s face. Actually, showing any dude’s face.

Why do men watch porn? For the fantasy of it. You want to imagine that is you in the lavish mansion in Beverly Hills plowing a porn start to pulp. Once you see the greasy, sweaty, soul-patched maestro who actually is doing this stuff – that’s it. Laptop closed. I’m out.

This goes for any guy on set. If I see a fucking pimple-faced twiggy videographer, I’m shutting it down immediately as well. In the immortal words of that youtube celebrity: “Ain’t nobody got time for that.”

Sound. Of Any Kind.

95% of the time when I’m watching high quality snuff, I just mute that bitch. Why? Because the sound is horrible. I’m not talking about the sound quality itself – it’s top notch. In fact, it’s almost a little too top notch.

There’s two sides of the coin here.

First, the women in porn today are fucking awful. I mean, the overt-the-top shouting, the stupid talking, the prattish squealing. Just shut your mouth you whorish wench — you’re clearly faking it! Remember guys, these are actors. They’re getting paid to fake it. At least when the sounds off I can imagine them sounding halfway normal.

Oh – and this should go without saying – don’t ever let a guy make a single noise on camera. They should just be completely silent. I don’t even want to know they’re there. I’d rather hear someone stabbing babies than hear some tribal-tattooed meathead grunting like a fucking ox.

The horrors of the bouncing basketball shot.

FUCK this camera angle. Fuck it right in the ear. You know the one – guy’s hitting the girl missionary-ish, camera slides in right in between the two, giving you a first row seat of a wrinkled sack springing up and down like it’s a fucking meat yoyo.

Nobody – and I mean NOBODY – wants to see a dude’s twig and berries ploppin’ up and down like it’s a couple of fat kids on a bungee jump. I don’t even want to watch my own balls do that.

Extreme Closeups

The bouncing basketball shot falls into this category, and guess what? Both of them suck.

I don’t want to see how hard this guy is pounding this chick. I’m here for her. I want to see how she’s reacting, what she’s doing, what this pounding is doing to her. It’s like when I eat a piece of cake. I’m not eating it because I need the nutrients. I want the flavor, the tastiness that I get from the cake.

I’m not interested in pure, animalistic penetration. If I wanted that, I’d look at a medical journal or something. I’m watching porn for the experience. Give me that.

The Extensive Intro

This one ain’t such a big deal nowadays, thanks to the streaming format we’re working with. You can just click the timeline and skip all this extraneous bullshit about a babysitter or secret agent or plumber or whatever the fuck’s going on.

However, what about those instances where (you might want to sit down for this) you don’t have good internet? Say you’re abroad somewhere, and your hotel has shitty internet. What do you do then if you’re trying to spank the monkey real quick? You load up the video, and you have to skip through 4 minutes of introduction before anything happens. You can’t buffer forward because that completely throws the whole thing off, for reasons only being abroad can explain. You’re lost in a hopeless, unpornified world.

porn keyThat’s why these intros need to go. I love it when videos just start halfway in. I don’t need to deal with all the lead-up and bullshit to get to the good ol’ down and dirty. It’s like going to the Kentucky derby – all you care about is that last furlong of the big race anyway.

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Comments

  1. Totally agree. What amazes me is when they do what is supposed to be POV porn, and the guy wearing/holding the camera keeps babbling on and on, ruining the whole concept.

    Also hate the way every position has to be of the “look, see, it’s actually going in” so you get some of the most awkward sex positions ever.

    im pretty much into just solo videos with no talking or the lesbian stuff from Girlfriend Films. The latter has a lot of build up, but the payoff is good. And they do the build up better than most.

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