So recently I came across this video today. It’s a video of the finest of reality TV females, Coco (I don’t think she has a last name), the wife of rapper turned stilted actor Ice-T, sensuously bouncing up and down on a surfboard-treadmill hybrid, while her magnificent assets shine from under her pink workout attire.
Cue heightened blood pressure and quickened heart beat.
If I owned a gym (some day, Mason, some day), it would be mandatory for every female member above an 8.0 on the Cromwell Attractiveness Accumulator (the CAA, as its known to my close friends) to do a requisite amount of minutes on the reACT trainer, say 80 minutes a week. And you know I’d have some plush couches sitting right behind them with a couple tall boys of Foster’s (high five!).
So what the hell is this miraculous invention? And why hasn’t it replaced every single treadmill in my gym? And how do I get my girlfriend to ride this thing in the buff? Don’t worry, dear readers, I’ve got you covered. Sit down on Uncle Mason’s lap and let me inform you of all you need to know of this divine workout innovation.
Silver Surfer, Eat Your Heart Out.
This magical piece of exercise wizardry is a treadmill/stairclimber/elliptical/snowboard/surfboard mash-up called the reACT Trainer. ReACT stands for Rapid Eccentric Anaerobic (Strength?) and Core Trainer.
The idea is to engage your core by constantly keeping you off balance. There’s also a number of ways that the ReACT can activate other parts of your body, such as lifting one leg, or turning your body in a certain position, for instance.
I gotta say, it looks a hell of a lot better than a treadmill (my goddamn knees take a beating), more normal than an elliptical (marginally, of course), easier than surfing or snowboarding (maybe) and almost certainly more fun than running, stairclimbing or elliptical work.
That’s not to say that I would use the reACT trainer, but I sure as hell would love to get one for my girl. Watching Coco sway up and down at a furious pace on that thing was sort of a religious experience for ol’ Mason Jr. here.
So I wondered, how much would a piece of equipment like this cost me to add to my personal effects?
Turns out, just a little north of $15,000.
At the moment, they only sell to gyms, and it’s hard to find a gym that has one right now. reACT trainers are pretty rare, and understandably so, as they cost the same amount as a reasonably priced used car.
Discouraged, but not undeterred, I continued digging, and finally found a gym near my house that had it. Now all I had to do was to convince the wife to go.
How? Well, I told her about this “revolutionary new weight loss tool” and showed her a number of videos that I knew would entice her into wanting to go and do it. Sadly there’s not many videos of women using this thing on the internet (Nice marketing, guys. You’re missing a huge part of your market.), and even fewer that are attractive women, but eventually I found a few that I knew she would be unable to avoid.
Remember, the key to getting women to do anything is to get them to feel bad about their body image. It’s a fact of life, gentlemen. Take note.
So after showing her a few videos like the one below(“Hey babe, check out this crazy workout thing.”), the seed was officially planted, and we decided to go check out the reACT trainer. That’s the trick: show her a few videos of fit women working out and generally being in great shape while having fun, and you’re in.
Last Sunday was the day we went and checked the machine out, and what a day of rejoicing it was. I spent 30 minutes watching my wife (who is still a smokeshow, by the way) do exactly what Coco did in that video above, and boy was it a pleasure. Flowing up and down in sexy yoga pants (my favorite, as you know) while I sat back and drooled.
She even asked me if I wanted to jump on with her. “No, honey, I’m fine, I don’t want to get in the way of your growth.”Classic Croms.
Best of all, the wife’s experience with the reACT trainer seemed to really get her in the mood. She was ravenous by the time we got home, and let’s just say the rest of our Sunday was spent riding waves of a completely different nature.
Let me tell you, if the reACT trainer wasn’t 15K for a single model, I’d have this thing in my living room right now. It’s sexy and fun, and it’s a hell of a lot more interesting than stairclimbing, running or biking. Hopefully this thing catches on and it starts popping up in gyms everywhere. It’d be a huge victory for men everywhere, but that might not be possible as you “need supervision in order to use”. Thanks a lot, Obama.
All I can tell you for sure is this: I’m bringing some beers with us next time we go.