The media coverage of Ebola has simmered a little bit lately, but make no mistake — this disease still has incredible potential to explode into an all-encompassing pandemic of Biblical proportions.
Just because the 24-hour news cycle has decided to cover other things at the moment, that doesn’t mean that we’re out of the woods. On the contrary, just this week another American resident in New York City is being treated for Ebola like symptoms right now.
All the thinking about Ebola is fire and brimstone, hellfire and armageddon. But maybe there’s another side to it.
So many of us are looking at this thing all wrong. Like most diseases (HIV, for instance) Ebola isn’t inherently bad, it’s just misunderstood. Like most things misunderstood, (pegging, for instance) the majority of people want to run away from it.
But they’re missing the amazing things that Ebola can do for you. They only see the bad side of things — the fact that your dog is dead, and not that the dog wouldn’t shit in the house anymore.
Cheer up, Negative Nancy. It’s time someone pointed out the positive sides of Ebola. It’s time that someone stood up for this defenseless virus.
Here’s why you should book the next flight to Monrovia in search of a pile of excrement upon which to dine.
Fly on a Private Jet!
Ever wanted a plane all to yourself? Ever wanted to fly on a private jet? Ever wanted to do it for free?
With Ebola, you can live the high life all for the price for a coach ticket to Monrovia!
All you gotta do is get to Liberia — a ticket will run you around $700 — contract Ebola, and the American government will take care of the rest! Just look at American missionary Nancy Writebol, who was given the full private jet treatment from Liberia to Boston, where she was given the experimental drug ZMapp (which cured her, by the way).
That’s savings of about $101,300 — the price of a regular charted flight to Monrovia from Washington, D.C.
Haven’t you ever wanted to fly on a transatlantic private jet? Contracting Ebola means truly balling out, possibly even literally, if you get my meaning, and on top of that, you can impress the hell out of your neighbors when you roll up to your house in your police convoy from your sweet-ass private jet.
You’ll Be Famous And Leave Behind A Legacy!
Let’s face it: we’re all going to die one day, and for most of us, that means a few flowers, a few tears, a modest funeral and our loved ones moving on with their lives finally. We’re all meaningless, minuscule particles in a Universe that is perpetually flowing towards chaos and atrophy, meaning that your death is, on the grand scale of things, insignificant to almost everything in existence.
But not if you have Ebola.
Quick — search Thomas Eric Duncan. What comes up? That’s right: dozens of Google pages dedicated to the Ebola patient in Dallas (who, sadly, capitulated to the disease this past week). What does that tell you? He’s famous, and probably will be immortalized online until the Internet collapses. He’s even got his own wikipedia page!
Now that the disease has died down a little bit, you can be the first American on the cusp of the second wave of Ebola, and if it really catches on and spreads throughout America, then you’ll be the most famous person in the world! You’ll be known across the globe as the real patient zero — and probably even get your own Internet page and several news articles written about you. Your name will never die online.
What’s better than leaving behind a legacy on the Internet, forever engrained in the fabric of the world wide web? Nothing, really, and if you’re lucky, they’ll even mention that you rode the private plane to America, so everyone knows how important you are! Score!
Especially now that Ebola has started to die down in terms of media exposure, you’re a shoe in to get a proper Wikipedia page with your name on it.
You Can Finally Scratch That Diaper Fetish Itch — FOR FREE
Teresa Romero, the nurse who contracted Ebola in Spain was infected after she came in contact with fecal matter from changing an Ebola-stricken patient’s soiled diaper.
Sure, you’re paying high-end “escorts” to indulge your infantile predilections at the moment, but you know and I know that this is a specialized field of people. Very few courtesans will be willing to consistently help you re-experience those memories from your infanthood that you don’t even remember in the first place. At some point, it loses a bit of its intrigue and mystery.
A diaper fetish is like a heroin addiction — you’re constantly chasing that first high, only this one has a lot more feces. Now you’ll be able to relive that first experience with an adult diaper change. While you’re sick with Ebola, you’ll be forced to wear a diaper, and you know what that means — a lot of dung and a lot of diapers.
Just imagine all the unfamiliar faces that will come and go through your confinement chamber to help you get in and out of your oversized trash bag. The excitement! The danger! The unending pleasure!
Believe me, this is going to be titillating. Think of all the envious reactions you’ll receive at DiaperCon 2015. It’s almost worth it for that alone.
You Build Up An Immunity, I Think.
If you survive Ebola (not likely), then you automatically build up an immunity to it, I think. As far as I understand it, that means that no matter what, you won’t be able to contract the virus again, and are thereby some sort of chosen one. Or something like that.
Only a select group of people in the world have contracted Ebola and survived. Probably like 12. That means you’re now part of an elite group of badasses that can survive wave after wave of Ebola epidemics that are sure to sweep the globe in the coming years. So when the entire world has succumbed to the catastrophic calamity that is a worldwide Ebola pandemic, you’re good to go, broh.
You and the other Ebola survivors will rebuild the world according to your desires. You can totally dibs the charismatic super-scientist too, because that would definitely be the best position of all the positions in post-apocalyptic society to help re-populate the world using your own scientific seed. You can sway the remaining humans to your side using your superior knowledge — this will definitely come in handy when the power-hungry dictator-type tries to feed you to the ravenwolves that populate the Highland Knoll as a way to appease the Sun God Capri-Sun. Or whatever.
The point is that by becoming immune to the Ebola virus, you can be the king of the world and slay the remaining female population…which is pretty sweet.
Morphine. Morphine. Morphine. I love morphine. Morphine. Morphine. Morhpine. Morhpien. Mrohpieen. OrMhpie. mrpheI. mrgpgnsaf. mfrine..enmprfasa….s.ffnnrmmprrinhe…mmmmmmhprreaprhineneneeeehennene