These Girls Are Not as Hot As You Think
There’s a lot of celebrity worship out there, especially when it comes to women. For some strange reason, women who are famous get a lot of love, even if they’re not that hot.
Here’s five women who aren’t nearly as hot as they’re made out to be.
DISCLAIMER: I’m looking at the total package here. Not just looks, but style, grace, personality, etc. Hotness depends on all of these factors. If you don’t agree, up your game.
Scarlett Johansson has been the babe du jour of America for a few years now, ever since her turn in Lost in Translation.
But man, I just don’t get it. Yeah, she’s pretty decent looking. She’s got the chisled cheekbones and the wry, bombshell smile, and a rather nice rack, but I don’t know if she’s as great as everyone makes her out to be.
First of all, she’s annoying as all hell. Ever seen her interviews? She’s about as genuine as Obama’s last speech on drones. She lollies around on screen like she’s trying to sell you something. Which, I guess she is. She’s selling herself…or an onscreen persona of herself, at least.
It all adds up to a severe amount of annoyance. And what good is a pretty face if the words coming out of her mouth make you want to jam a couple rusty knives in your eyes just to take your mind off her rambling? Not much.
She’s definitely hot. There’s no question about that, and she’s got a sense of style. But fucking hell, her personality is enough to make me want to punch a bag of puppies.
This one kind of hurts, because I actually kind of love Jennifer Lawrence, but for this article, I have to set personal biases aside.
She’s not nearly as hot as some people want you to believe. I think a large part of it is her public persona – carefree, clumsy, awkward – which tricks people into affection towards her. I mean, come on, she’s just like me! I fall and stumble and act silly too!
I admit, I’ve fallen prey to her charms as well, but her lazy eyes and flat, over-cooked cinnamon roll face isn’t as great as everyone makes it out to be. She’s definitely gorgeous, but I think all of us fall prey to her carefully cultivated on-camera personality rather than the whole package.
I have to acknowledge that I’ve fallen under her spell as well. She does a fantastic job of seeming approachable, of being a normal, everyday person — and I think that’s why everyone swoons over her. People, it’s a fucking act. She’s an actress. That’s her job.
I mean she’s got a pretty a pretty good body, but she’s got a face like a raccoon. Her eyes are squinty and odd. Over-pouty lips. And her face is as flat as a wall, but always manages to look puffy, like she’d been stung by a bunch of Amazonian killer bees.
Let’s move on before my complete self-image is completely destroyed.
I understand the obsession with Kendrick. I really do. She’s got the whole girl-next-door thing going for her.
If the girl next door is a Peregrine falcon.
I mean, look at her. That nose. It’s so long. It’s so thin. It’s so pointy. It’s so beakish. If they ever make an adaptation of Animorphs for the screen and decided to make Tobias a woman, they could definitely use her. They would barely have to do any CGI work.
Besides the generally aviary appearance, she also does this weird thing in front of cameras where she flexes her eyebrows in an indecisive-but-decisive manner, and kind of lazily smiles with her giant teeth in a languid half-smile, half-grimace.
It gives the effect that she’s happy, but she’s also in an intense amount of pain, and I can’t take that amount of uncertainty. It might be because she has way too many teeth for the size of her mouth, and that her teeth are the size of a small country. I don’t know.
She does have a beauty of a rack, and there’s no question she has talent, but I’m not a bird lover.
Okay, fellas. She looks like a mouse. I admit, she’s got a great voice, and there’s no question she’s a performer, but…she’s a goddamned mouse.
Check out her snubby nose. Her eyes are basically on the side of her head. She’s got a forehead that you could land a plane on. I mean, look at that thing. It’s the same size as the rest of her face. I’m no artist, but I don’t think those proportions are supposed to be 1:1.
All of these odd features maker her look like a rodent. She just looks like she’s going to squeak around on your floor and take your cheese…and God knows nobody takes my cheese without a fight.
Before last week, I wouldn’t have put her on this list. I mean, okay, she’s pretty. I’ll give her that. She definitely has the “exotic” look going for her, which I think is why people rate her so highly. She’s got a decent body too. But then I watched Battleship on Tuesday, and she immediately jumped right onto this one.
This fruit isn’t even hanging, but I can’t resist.
Let me say this: she had potential. 18 year-old Miley Cyrus, with long flowing locks, and newly fixed teeth, had the ability to be one of the hottest women in the world when she hit her peak around 27 or so. But now…I’m not so sure.
First of all, she’s got a body like a young boy from a Greek myth. She’s completely devoid of any sort curves or anything that is supposed to differentiate a woman from a man. If I saw her in line at McDonald’s I’d think it was a dude.
Then there’s her general lack of any sort of style. The stupid buns. The “look at me” dresses. The sickening see-through mesh and repulsive skin-colored bikini-esque monstrosities. Gnarly.
Of course, there’s her persona as well. Yeah, we get it, Miley. You’re into partying. You’re into “getting turnt” or “turning down for what” or “turning up” or whatever inane phrase is your anthem this week. Partying is only cool when you’re not shoving it in people’s faces all the time. Everyone knows that guy that likes to talk about how much he drank last weekend, or the friend who regales you with how much weed he smokes daily. Fuck those guys, and fuck MIley Cyrus.
I’m not even going to start on her tongue. We all have them. Yours just looks dumber than most.
Hottest Woman of 2013, Maxim? How the mighty have fallen.
THE MOST UNDERRATED WOMAN OF ALL TIME