I remember my first happy ending. It was about as happy an ending as a Kubrick film.
All excited to be getting my first ever rub-n-tug, 23-year-old me waited in the massage room, a barren cubicle with a concrete mattress and walls of paper. Then my masseuse came in, and the excitement drained out of me like toxins in a dialysis machine. Mother Time had apparently been assigned to my case.
The woman was at least 50 years old, with skin like a sandpaper rhino and talons that would make a bald eagle blush. She was actually a great masseuse, but when it came to finishing the job, all of the lube in the world couldn’t get it done.
Needless to say, I was disappointed by the end of it, but the worst part was, this elderly dragon wanted me to pay $40 for that half-assed display of gamesmanship. As a young, unconfident twenty-something, I begrudgingly parted with my hard-earned cash.
There I was, slinking away from this “Oriental massage parlor” in the heart of Chinatown, down $100 and with the worst snake-stripping of my life. That was the last time I ever spent money on a full-body…and I’ve had hundreds of them since. But the question is, how do you get away scot free?
Since that first encounter, I decided I would never pay for a happy ending again – and believe it or not, I haven’t. I’ve gotten scores of happy endings of various levels of quality, both abroad and here in the States, and to be honest with you, it’s easy. You just gotta have the balls to pull it off. These are my foolproof steps to pulling it off. But be warned – if you’re not willing to commit completely, you could get in trouble.
Step 1: Reconnaissance
Picking the right spot is the most important part of the whole operation. Don’t just walk into the first place you can find on Backpages or Yelp. Do your research. Check out a few spots before deciding.
First things first, you’re gonna want a parlor that’s situated in a strip mall. These cookie-cutter supercenters are perfect for finding a full-body masseuse, often at good prices, and they rarely have security.
This is a big part of it: make sure there are no big, burly bodyguard-types inside. This is a big no-no, for a billion reasons, all of them obvious. These operations in general are sketchy proposals, so the less resistance you face in working through a free handie, the better.
Your intuition will tell you that an Oriental place is best – and you’re right. In my experience “Oriental massage” and “rub-n-tug” are synonymous. They’re also the easiest to bamboozle into free astroglides.
Some other words to clue into are “full release”, “full body” and “hand jobs at the end of your massage.”
Also important is finding out how much a massage is. Most of them will be around $40. This is for the massage only – a fair price, considering a lot of the girls you’ll come across are more than capable masseuses. Consider the frontal massage as downloadable content. The $40 is for the game itself, but you still gotta pay for the DLC.
Step 2a: Smile a lot and act a fool.
As is the case with everything in life, you gotta sell yourself. Right when you walk into the place, paste a big, stupid smile on your face. Make yourself accessible and friendly to everyone you encounter. It will disarm the people at the parlor.
Act like a stumbling idiot. Search through your pockets a lot when looking for your card. Have a hard time concentrating. Get distracted a lot. If you have the capacity, pretend you’re foreign. I find Scandinavian works best, but that’s probably because I have that Norse look. In general, just be aloof and spacey – it will make them think you’re harmless. But really, you’re calculating.
At this point, they may ask you to pay ahead of time. This is good. You want to pay for the massage ahead of time. This is where your research comes in. You’ll have already found the price for the massage. Pay for this in cash. Make sure you’ve only brought enough cash to pay for the massage.
Step 2b: Don’t Bring Enough Cash
I know this sounds contradictory, but stick with me here.
A lot of people will tell you to bring a lot of cash with you when you want a full rubdown. THIS IS A MISTAKE.
Most massage parlors will take credit cards. This is the 21st century, for Christ’s sake. If they don’t take credit card, they’re probably not worth your time. Plus, having to go get your credit card to pay for your “extra service” is one of the most important parts of the equation.
Step 3: Be a dick.
Okay, so at this point, you’re already in the thick of it. You’ve already paid for your massage. In some cases, you might pick your girl, Chris Tucker in Rush Hour 2 style. She’ll ask you to strip down, if you’ve picked the right place.
The massage begins. You’re in it now. This is the easy part. If you’ve picked the right place, she’ll start to get closer and closer to the money zone.
This is where you start being a total dick. She might ask you to flip over or ask to finish you off. Do NOT give in right away. This is where you start complaining about the massage.
Be aggressive. Let her know you’re not enjoying it. Refuse to turn over until you’re damn well ready. This will put her on the back foot. You’re in control of the situation. You decide how it goes from here.
Once you’ve broken her down mentally with your incessant berating, then you can allow her to move on. You control this part of the process, though. You ask her straight up. Some common phrases to use: “finish you off”, “full body” and, of course, “happy ending” are the best ones to use. They’re common industry jargon. Like TPS reports.
Now it’s game on. You’ve already succeeded in unsettling her by complaining about her entire massage abilities. You’re in her head, if you’ve done it right. She doesn’t want to upset you by asking to negotiate a price. This is where you’ve got her.
95% of the time, they’re so rattled by your constant fault-finding and dissatisfaction, that they’ll just jump right in. They think you know what you’re doing(I mean, if you’re so picky about your massage, you must be a regular enjoyer of these types of services), so they know you know the etiquette.
But what about the final 5%? I’ve run into these obstinate masseuses before, and here’s the best way to handle them. Playing dumb is your best defense. Feign confusion, or, if you’re really feeling ballsy, get up, grab your credit card out of your pants on the floor, and try to walk nude to the front desk to pay.
Chances are, they’ll stop you. Again, this is all about putting them on the back foot. If you’re in control of the situation, this free hand job is all yours.
I’ve only used the latter technique once, but it works. Usually pretending you don’t understand (again, acting foreign is useful here) is the best way to go. Remember, you’ve been so demanding in your massaging techniques, they’ll think you know the rules of the game. Just point to your pocket and say credit and they’ll think you’re good for it.
Now, you’ve got them. If you’ve picked a good place, they’ll ask if you’re a cop. Just shake your head and smile. Don’t say anything explicitly. This not only helps to keep them on the back foot, but it can come in handy later…
Step 4: Get the fuck out
Mission accomplished. We have ignition. You’ve blasted off.
In most cases, you’re offered a table shower, which is basically them washing you down and getting you squeaky clean after a vigorous pump session.
Now, this is the hardest part of the whole thing: getting out. Really, there’s three ways of doing this, and frankly, they’re all simple. You just have to commit.
First of all, the biggest mistake you can make in any of these situations is putting your clothes back on. Unless you’re from ancient Greece, nobody wants to fuck with an oiled-up naked man – nobody. This part of the process is a game of nerves. Whoever blinks first loses.
Now, onto the actual techniques.
#1: You’re a cop. Remember when she asked you if you were a cop and you kindly shook your head no? Well, you never explicitly said you weren’t. And hell, even if you did say no, who cares?
Now, this does take some forethought, but go to your pants, put them on, and immediately pull out the badge that you’ve packed with you. Pull it out. Talk quietly, barely above a whisper. Tell your masseuse you’re police, and they’re under investigation. The rub down was free, or else.
Trust me – this one works. It’s all about confidence and intimidation. When you flip this on her after being mild-mannered Peter Parker, you’ll be in the clear, no problem. She wouldn’t dare call for help, or else she’s getting arrested.
Tell her to be quiet, and stay where she is. Slowly put on your pants and walk right out the front door, holding the badge up for everyone to see. You’re home free.
#2: Walk the fuck out of there. They will shout at you. This is when you take off. Make a run for it. Sprint like you’re in the NFL combine. Full-fuckin’-speed Usain Bolt your way out of there. Remember, you’ve already done your research, so there are no heavies around to stop you, and you’re in a crowded public place.
Remember where you are – you’re at a busy strip mall. These people don’t want any more attention than you do. They’re not going to chase some naked dude.
#3: This one is the most insane, and it’s also the most fun. I’ve only done this once.
Head to the reception to pay. Remember to smile. Begin to pull out your wallet out of the pants you have bundled up in your arms.
Pretend like your wallet fell out. Start to look around. Start getting accusatory of everyone. Start pointing fingers. Start shouting, saying you’re going to call the police. Get your phone out and dial Domino’s. Start shouting at them.
In general, just become as irate as possible. Ratchet up the tension as much as you can – the louder and crazier the better. Act completely insane and no one will touch you. Chances are, they’ll want to get rid of you. They don’t want the cops coming more than they want your money. They don’t give a shit about your money anymore, they just want to get rid of you. You’ve won. Get out of there.
These are all proven techniques. I’ve used all of these at one point or another, and I’ve never paid for a happy ending since that first horrible experience with the grandmother from Requiem For A Dream.
Try them yourself, and let me know how they work for you. Or don’t, and pay the extra money for something you could do by yourself in the comfort of your own home. The choice is yours.