If you couldn’t tell from the quasi-pagan décor plastering the entrance of your local grocery store, Halloween is right around the corner.
As a child the prospect of receiving candy without having to say “please” while also participating in a large scale, fully permissible game of dress-up was almost too much for your tiny, foolish brain to handle.
But now you’re a man. Your priorities have changed. Candy is dandy… but so are slutty cats and nurses named… well… Candy.
It’s no secret that the ladies LOVE to slut it up for Halloween. So I submit that in the spirit of gender equality, it’s time for us to let our sex organs fly.
Men, it’s time to HUNK. IT. UP.
We can supplement our desire for putting together a clever costume at Comic-Con and with LARPing. But this time of year is exclusively for man gams. One shouldn’t have to navigate this sphere alone, so we’ve run down the basics of putting together the hunkiest male Halloween costume around.
Even The Shittiest Costume Can Be Overcome By Rockin’ Your Junk
It doesn’t matter how obscure or crappy your costume is — if you’re jocking your jam right, then you officially have a successful costume.
Going as Inspector Gadget? Many people will miss it, because of the simple costume — hat and trenchcoat — which makes for a not-so-great costume. Just remember this: your most important gadget is your dong, make it the focal point of your ensemble. Establish all sight lines to your go-go-gadet boner for maximum results.
Suited up as Frodo Baggins? You can baggins any broad if you rock hobbit-sized pants that leave little to the female imagination. Make sure your Isengard is on show for all of Middle Earth and if you play your cards right, you’ll see more than smelly old wizards populating your tower.
A good rule to go by is if the pubes are showing, you’re on the right track. Halloween is peacock mating season on steroids, so let those freaky feathers fly.
You Might Not Be A Hunk, But You Sure Can Act Like It.
Listen, we’re not all going to be able to play Patrick Swayze from Point Break, but lucky for you, the hunk metric is different on Halloween.
What’s normally not hunky, such as a 320 pound gentleman in a leopard leotard, can jump right up to mega-hunky or even uber-hunky if you are willing to sell it enough. The hunk is all in the commitment to hunkosity.
That means you can strut that gut in a Fred Flintstone get-up and still attract the ladies’ wandering eye. You can come dressed up as Trashbag Grandpa — it doesn’t matter. Work with what you got, cause tonight your costume IS your personality, and your costume is hunkiness.
It doesn’t matter if you’re hiding a cannonball under your shirt, as long as you’re rocking the costume with Mike Tyson-level swagger and committing fully to the illusion that you’re a Grade-A Certified Hunk, then you’ll be waking up with some Elvira who wants to suck more than your blood.
Team Work Makes The Dream Work
Group costumes can be a bit dicey, but there is always strength in numbers, so keep it 300 (Get it? Wait, that’s actually a pretty good costume idea. I’m gonna write that one down.).
If you and your crew role out as Chippendale Power Rangers, you’re immediately validated by:
1) The hunks you’ve surrounded yourself with for backup, attractiveness and general camaraderie.
2) Displaying the moxy (remember, how you wear your costume determines your hunkiness) and coordination needed to pull off this coordinated effort.
Yes, you run the risk of getting separated. But you’re not trying to go home with your buddies, you’re trying to go home with Jessica Rabbit.
Make sure you’ve got a standalone costume, though – if you get separated, that way you can still hunk your way into Oprah’s Book Club.
There’s No Budget On Hunk
I once saw a guy at a party wearing only a “Censored” sign over his sensitives.
He was the talk of the party, surrounded by ladies, and at most spent $10 on his costume. DIY is in, so your best bet may be to dig through the closet, thrift store, or garage sale for that one silly item that pushes you from drunken, public nudity into the “hilarious revealing hunk” zone.
Also, it allows for the costume to be a bit open ended, so you can be versatile in your hunky application. A cowboy hat and underwear? Urban Cowboy. A sword and a backpack? The Karate Kid. Or whatever you want it to be, I don’t give a shit as long as you can come back to me with a raunchy Halloween sex story.
Now it’s time to attack the streets. Keeping your wits about you while surrounded by such absurdity is never easy, but if you can play the Game of Hunks, anything goes. Halloween is your oyster, so go fuck the girl dressed up in the oyster costume.