How Shit Can Make You Rich

whale

For the first time in…well…pretty much ever, feces can make you rich. Although fertilizers and other digested nutrients have been around a long time, only recently has poop become powerfully profitable. Here’s your guide to the most profitable janitorial job in history.

In January of this year, a man walking along the beach in Britain stumbled upon a six-pound chunk of sperm whale feces. He was offered $70,000 for the piece of shit. He’s not alone in that. In 2012, a boy and his father, tracing a shore in Britain, came across a similar lump of sperm whale excrement. They received $63,000. Even further back, in 2006, a lucky Australian couple found a 32-pound steamer that fetched a reported $300,000.

Why? Ambergris.

What the hell is ambergris?

Ambergris is the most highly sought-after ingredient in the luxury perfume industry. Famed for its ability to stick to the skin, and renowned for its famous and unique scent, ambergris has long been the most important component of any Chanel perfume.

Where does ambergris come from? Yep – whales. Specifically, sperm whales. The restrictions on whaling in the modern age – ambergris has been outlawed in the U.S., Australia and the EU — has made it so ambergris is incredibly rare. That’s right. Sperm shit is gold.

All of the legislation against ambergris has led to two results. One, ambergris has become extremely lucrative, as illustrated by the absurd prices paid for a six-pound lump that would be comparable to us dropping a granola bar. Second, it has created an underground industry. A brown market, if you will.

How do I get in on this?

Can you get in on the lucrative whale shit market? The answer is, well, shitty. You have a better chance of winning the lottery than you have of stumbling upon a hefty block of sperm whale excretion. It’s estimated that only 1% of the global sperm whale population even produces ambergris.

However, there’s still a possibility that you can find a hunk of brown gold that’s washed up on the sand.

Here’s the quick check list:

Move to New Zealand. That’s where the majority of ambergris is found, at least the ones that have fetched hefty fees from buyers. The people are nice, there’s a lot of sheep and the food is decent. Also, Lord of the Rings was filmed here. Not the worst place to be if you’re going to be living on a beach and searching for sperm whale fudge dragons all day.

Learn to fish. So you’re in New Zealand now, and you’re living on the beach, waiting for that jackpot to come rolling in with the sea. In the meantime(and the meantime could be a LONG time), get yourself a fishing pole and some tackle and get casting. Chances are you’re not gonna find any gold for a long time, so you might as well learn how to feed yourself.

Learn what ambergris looks like. This step is sort of important. In order to find ambergris, you have to be able to find ambergris. Ambergris can look like any piece of random flotsam that comes in with the tide. Often times, it looks like a granite-like piece of stone, although it is porous and light. Every piece of ambergris looks different – some black, some white, some speckled, some rough, some smooth. The best way to tell is the smell. If it smells like the sea trapped in a stone, then it’s probably ambergris.

Be completely insane. Are you batshit crazy? Stark-raving mad? Off-the-wall looney? Perfect. You’re off to a great start. Pretty much anyone who thinks that waiting around on a beach for a six-figure shit jackpot to come in is a good idea is out of their mind. So if that sounds like you, hop on a ship to New Zealand, grab a fishing pole, do some research, and keep those paranoid conspiracies about Wilford Brimley and the cubic zirconium industry rollin’.

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