Boy Scout’s Guide To Reattaching Your Penis

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So you’ve somehow gotten yourself into a situation where your penis has been severed.

Don’t panic. Your soldier can be saved. Medicine has come a long way since the 1989 John and Lorena Bobbitt incident that brought national attention to penile severance.

We have the technology. We can rebuild him.

Just follow these steps and you’ll be back in the saddle before you can say, “surgically reattached penis”.

Immediately Upon Detachment If You’re In Civilization

Step 1: Don’t panic.

Yes, your member has just been dismembered, but remember to not freak out. Panic will cause an increase in blood pressure, meaning you’ll lose more blood, and the more blood you lose will mean the more likely you are to pass out.  If you pass out, it’s pretty much curtains for you and any hope you have of getting your penis reattached.

Step 2: Get a towel or something to cover the wound. Apply pressure.

As I said earlier, stopping the bleeding is the first step you want to take. Once you have that taken care of, the rest of it is the easy part. If you fail to stem the bleeding, you’ll either pass out or die, and then your penis is worthless anyways. So make sure you get that hole plugged.

Step 3: Retrieve the penis and put it on ice — immediately

Take your penis and stick it in a plastic bag. Then stick that bag in a plastic bag filled with ice. Any dismembered limb, your baby’s arm included — will start to turn black and necrotize almost immediately. The experts say you have about a 6 hour window for a successful reattachment, although the longest known window for a successful reattachment procedure is 16 hours. But you don’t want to be that guy. The faster the better.

Step 4: Get to the hospital. Right away.

Get your ass in a car and get to the hospital right away. Too woozy to drive? Hitchhike. Hail a cab. Call 911. Remember, you have a six hour window. Slow and steady wins the race. You’re better off waiting for an ambulance than passing out behind the wheel at a stoplight. And please, try to resist the urge to stop at 7-11 for a Slurpee. You can reward yourself with a Slurpee later to celebrate your successful penis reattachment.

Step 5: What to do when you get to the hospital.

Listen up, because this is important. When you get to the ER, you should scream these words exactly: “Help! I am having a massive heart attack and my penis is bleeding out!”

In the ER, chest pains trump just about everything. It’s the only way to be seen right away. If you’re not into lying, you can try it your way. But the last time I was at the ER after a car accident, they kept me waiting six hours. Do the math…

What If You’re In the Wilderness?

So you’re in the woods, camping alone, survivalist style. You’ve just caught a fish your bare hands and you’re prepping it to eat. Your hunting knife slips and boom, you’re in serious trouble now. You’ve severed your penis and you’re miles and miles away from civilization.

What the hell do you do?

Clear out your cooler and get your penis on ice — immediately. This will slow down the necrosis that will set in almost immediately.

Don’t have any ice? Well, you might be in serious trouble. As I said earlier, you have about six hours to get that puppy reattached. Any more and you’re in hot water. Luckily, there’s one other option available to make sure you don’t lose your manhood forever.

So now you’re swimming up shit creek a bit. Here’s a quick fix to keep it cold and clean. Keep pressure on your cut with a towel or a clean rag. Go to a stream nearby, or pour some cold water on a towel. Wrap your cock up tight in the wet towel, and place it in the shade somewhere nearby(don’t leave it far away, lest a wild animal gets to it).

Now that it’s taken care of for the time being, the next thing to focus on is your open wound. You need to get that thing clean and you need to get it to stop bleeding.

Wash it thoroughly with whatever first aid you have available. Keep pressure on your crotch while you clean it, so that blood doesn’t get anywhere.

Now, you have to close up the cavity. This might seem counter-intuitive, but it will save your life. As I said earlier, a dead dude doesn’t have much use for a cock. Obviously the best bet is stitches. Sew that hole up nice and tight. This will be traumatic — sewing up the place where your knob used to be, but just remember that it’s for your own good.

No thread or fishing line? This is where you get crafty. Get some duct tape and some gauze and tape that fucker shut. No duct tape? Doesn’t matter. A sock, a pair of boxers, anything that will close up the hole so you can live.

As long as you have something that is somewhat sterile to stop the bleeding with, you should be fine. It’s gotta be closed up, because you’ve got a long journey back to civilization.

So now you’ve stopped the bleeding, or at the very least, you’ve slowed it down. But bleeding out is still one of your main worries. Now to tend to your penis which is sitting in a damp (hopefully cold) towel somewhere. Here’s where you have to be a man.

You need to bury your dick.

You gotta dig it deep under ground and make sure that thing is as cold as possible. Again, you’ve only got a short amount of time to do this, but it has to be done. Make sure you know where you buried it (duh), so you can come back to it. But right now, you’re focused on not dying or passing out. A helicopter or a cop car can go by and pick up your dick while you’re in the hospital. Just focus on getting to the hospital.

What happens if they can’t reattach it?

So there’s good news, bad news and mediocre news. The good news is you’re still alive. The bad news is your penis is not still alive. The mediocre news is that we live in a world blessed with penis replacement options.

1. Penis Reconstruction Surgery — This is actually a pretty standard technique nowadays, especially with transgender folks looking to add a penis to their repertoire. It involves grafting skin — typically from the arm — onto a penile implant. The penile implant is a malleable rod of sorts that can be inflated with a pump that is implanted into the scrotum and deflated with a nearby release valve. Pretty genius, if you ask me. The problem with this is that, although you can get a hard-on, chances are there are little or no sensations in the penis as a result of the surgery.

2. Penis Transplant – This is an actual procedure that is gaining popularity. It’s exactly what it sounds like — the healthy penis of a donor is removed and transplanted on your body. Be warned though, this can be a horrifying experience — the first successful transplant was in China in 2006, and the man was so haunted by the foreign rod that he had the operation reversed(possibly because it was 1 cm long). Unfortunately, penis transplant donor lists work like the opposite of human adoption lists. Which means your odds of getting a black penis are slim-to-none.

3. Lab-Grown Penis – Made famous by the “Eek A Penis!” episode of South Park where Mr. Garrison chases his lab-grown penis around the town, this operation could actually be a reality in the near future. Although this procedure isn’t yet ready for use in humans(they’ve only used it in rabbits so far), by using stem cells and manipulating them to grow new phallic skin, scientists will soon be able to grow your very own penis in a lab, and surgically attach it to your pelvis. Whether or not it will be structurally similar to your own former partner is unknown, but in theory, they should actually be able to improve upon your old equipment. What’s not to love?

Don’t Think This Could Happen To You?

You’re wrong. Since the Lorraine and John Bobbitt incident in 1989, there has been over 60 incidents of men’s members being dismembered.

And this isn’t something new, ancient cultures like the Assyrians used to remove their penises of the people they’d conquered in a display of dominance over their conquered. In the 70s, for example, it was estimated that over a 100 cases of Thai women, inspired by a 1973 case of penile dismemberment, drugged their husbands and ripped away their manhood.

So be on your guard — you never know when your johnson could be under assault.

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