New Rules For The One-Night Stand

sex-after-giving-birth7-141328_LToday’s world of sexual equality has created a whole new playing field for the one night stand. No longer do you have to be an ass in the morning; suddenly, she’s into the horizontal mambo, one night special. But unfortunately for you, that means a new rule book is in order. Before you head out on the town to scratch the itch, there are a few guidelines to keep in mind.


Rule #1

Clean up your apartment, you filthy animal. After you’ve spent all evening romancing the girl, you don’t want to open the door to a smelly mess and your dirty underwear on the couch. She can still go home, you know?


Rule #2

Best to avoid the dirty underwear situation altogether, so clean yourself up too. If you’re not liking the way you smell, odds are, she won’t either. Car crashes aren’t the only reason you should stick to clean drawers.


Rule #3

You meet a girl at the bar, and she seems interested, but before either of you step into a cab, make sure you’re both clear. You’re not doing yourself any favors if you lead her on. If there’s no house in the countryside and three blond children waiting for the two of you in the future, don’t lead her to believe there will be. Don’t ask for a number you’re never going to call; don’t give a number you’ll never answer. Make it obvious from the get-go, and don’t be upset if it turns out she’s not interested. There will be other nights.


Rule #4

Watch the drinking, both yours and hers. You’re not winning if you drain your bank account to get her back to bed, and the story of a guy getting a girl drunk so he can get laid is how news reports start. Besides, no one wants to wake up next to Bigfoot, even if it’s just for one night. She should be pretty without the last beer in the six pack and you should be able to figure out how a condom works. Which brings us to:


Rule #5

Use a condom. Seriously.


Rule #6

It’s not a one-night stand if you know her. Fucking friends is almost always a bad idea; even if you get the opportunity, try to sidestep it. The last thing you want is your group of friends knowing about the weird sound you made when she was going down.


Rule #7

When the sex is done, don’t hightail it out for the freeway. If you’re at her place, don’t leave at two in the morning unless she asks you to, and if she’s at yours, don’t kick her out. Remember: there’s always time for round two.


Rule #8

But when morning comes, you’re out of there. Don’t stick around for breakfast, don’t hang around for the awkward morning after conversation. Say your goodbyes, be grateful it happened, and get on with your day.


Rule #9

And for god’s sake, don’t fall in love with her. The instantaneous romance that got her home can be intoxicating; maybe she was great in bed. She liked Firefly and that’s cool too. But the entire point of a one night stand is that it stands for…one night. She can be a nice memory, but don’t make it into something it wasn’t.


About Gerald Jeffers

Gerald Jeffers is an entertainment and men's health writer for Ask Men Answers. He holds a degree in Journalism from St. Paul University and has been with Ask Men Answers since 2011.

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