ISIS has beheaded a second US journalist this week in Steven Sotloff, again by the same black-clad jihadist with a London accent. He has recently been identified as London resident Abdel-Majed Abdel Bary, also known as rapper L Jinny.
L Jinny joins a series of young Westerners who are packing up their PS4s, stealing their parents’ credit cards and flocking to the Middle East, including Syria and Iraq to join ISIS in their quest to establish a worldwide Muslim Caliphate, behead a bunch of innocent people and probably fuck some goats.
They’re drawn to the dusty deserts in search of adventure and prestige, but mostly they probably just want to look Jihadi cool, carrying around AK-47s and posing for selfies in sweet modern terrorist regalia. Of course, there’s an immediate, omnipresent danger that accompanies this path. Most of these guys will probably die, if there is an Allah, but the allure of this “free” lifestyle is apparent.
However, you don’t have to risk your life or your wallet to rock the Jihadi Cool look. Here’s how you can get your Jihad game tight all from the comfort of your own home.
Get Yourself a Fresh Keffiyeh
Also known as “pashminas” by culturally challenged riff raff, the keffiyeh is step one on the Jihadi Cool Stairway to Heaven(and 72 virgins?).
I know these were a hot fashion item back in 2008, but don’t worry, you’re not two-thousand and late, you’re muhajideen. Keffiyeh’s are the universal clothing item for the dusty climes that face Middle Easterners on a daily basis, and they’re the most important part of your Jihadi Cool look.
You can’t go wrong with the classic blue or red pattern, but if you really want you can think outside the box and snag some more avant-garde styles with absrtact shapes and Jackson Pollock splatters. The choice is yours, but the keffiyeh is the most integral part of your Jihadi Cool flex. Without it, you’re like Batman without the mask.
It doesn’t really matter what you wear with your keffiyeh, although there are a number of variations that you can roll with. Multi-pocketed vests typically tend to go well with your keffiyeh for the torso, while cargo pants, olive or another army green in color will complete the Jihadi Cool aesthetic.
Cop an AK-47
What would a Jihadist be without his trusty AK-47? Like the Smith & Wesson to the steely-eyed gunslingers of the Old West, or the Tiffany’s diamond earrings to the drug-addled stay-at-home mom, the Jihadi Joe Cool needs an AK-47 to solidify his stature as a mujahideen, even if it’s merely for show to the kids at school.
The AK-47, combined with the keffiyeh, is the bare minimum for the aspiring Jihadi Coolist. You can pick these up at your local gun show (this is where you flex your bicep), or if you’re too lazy, there’s a number of clandestine arms dealers on the Deep Web that will hook you up pronto. Extra points if you can scoop up a gilded version, platinum model or silver finish. Bling blaow.
Learn Some Arabic
This part is actually pretty simple…you really only need three words: Allah, Infidel and Jihad. Then just drop these words here and there in your tweets, instagram posts and Facebook. People will see your ability to drop this lingual versimilitude in to your social media posts and think you’re super hardcore.
For reference, check out the 2004 movie Team America: World Police. The movie itself isn’t very good at all, but the terrorists are a great reference point for picking up words that make up a large part of the Jihad lexicon. If you can watch this a number of times and imitate the speech patterns and words, then you’ll be the most Jihadi Cool kid on the block.
Have A Shitty Taste In Rap Music
For some reason, Jihad Cool and shitty rap music go together like peanut butter and jelly. These are some of the main recruiting tools for actual Western Jihadists, who glorify the activities of ISIS as chasing Middle Eastern bitches, getting respect, having sweet adventures and, of course, shooting your AK in ecstatic pleasure. They also serve as great inspiration for getting your clothes game up to snuff.
Just search around on Youtube for muslim rap, jihad rap, jihad hip hop, and other related keywords, and if you find someone wearing a kheffiyeh and holding an AK-47 against a brick wall, shouting into the camera with staggered, shitty verses in broken English, you know you’ve found the right place. Retweet this shit immediately, using some of those words you learned above.
Blow Yourself Up In A Crowded Train Station
Want to be real Jihadi Cool? Then you have to explodicate yourself in a bustling train depot. You’ll never be true Jihadi Cool without this last step. Do it, pussy.