I don’t want to know why you want to have sex with a ghost. Look, we all have our reasons. Some people want to reconnect with a dead lover. Some just like the idea of getting frisky with the afterlife. Others say that it is simply better than sex with the living. Well, is it? That’s probably up for you to decide. Sex with spirits can be an otherworldly experience. Or it might be a quick path to demonic possession. It’s probably a good idea to know what you’re doing.
If you’re looking for tips on sex with dead bodies, keep moving. That’s necrophilia. This is strictly about ghost groping.
So, if none of your incantations or nights humping the Ouija board have been able to get you off, here are some tips for having sex with a ghost.
Know the ghost you want to get it on with. I don’t know how many times I’ve warned people about this, but if you don’t have a ghost in mind before you start trying to bang one, you could be in for some trouble. It’s just like going to a bar and saying “I don’t care who, I just want to have sex with somebody.” You never know what you’ll catch. So it’s good to have a spirit in mind.
Talk to a psychic. Your Ouija board might be bunk. The only way to make sure you get a direct message to a dead person is to visit a psychic. Tell them you’re interested in having sex with (or dating) someone from the spirit world. She will probably be thrilled to play the role of matchmaker for someone other than her nine daughters.
Set the mood. Ghosts like TVs tuned to a dead channel. Get an old CRT and turn it on with the volume up about halfway. You’ll get used to it. Also light some candles and some incense.
Use protection. Ghost condoms do not exist. I recommend a jar of holy water and a proton pack. Google “how to build a proton pack.” There are lots of sites out there that tell you how. You should also probably have one of those ghost traps or some way to scare the ghost away. Lots of ghosts are scared of other ghosts, so I’d recommend a ghost mask or sheet with eye holes cut out of it.
Sex with a ghost will be different. You might not even be able to see them, only feel them. Or you might be able to see them, but can’t feel anything. Or it could be exactly like sex with a human. In which case, you might want to check the calendar to make sure it is not October 31st.
Be sure to pay attention to the ghost’s needs as well. This isn’t all about you, bud. Ghosts need loving too. A good lover is sensitive to his partner’s wants and desires. Don’t just wham, bam, thank you ma’am. Show the ghost how much you care and how appreciative you are that they decided to transcend the planes of existence in order to get railed by you.