1. Paris Hilton
Every male of pubescent age in the early 00s is sure to know this one. Also known by the supremely clever moniker “1 Night In Paris” (get it?), this relic of the Camcorder Age is truly a wonderful sight to behold for anyone looking for a dose of nostalgia. Although Ms. Hilton’s attractiveness is debatable(read: she’s repugnant), it’s worth watching for the experience. The handheld, night vision intimacy is something that Hollywood has been seeking to replicate in films like Chronicle and Cloverfield. But they don’t even come close to that. Which is understandable when the candle you’re being held up to is as bright as 1 Night In Paris.
2. Kim Kardashian (And Ray J, I guess.)
What’s better than one celebrity in a sex video? If you guessed a pseudo-celebrity with one half-decent song and a slew of shitty reality dating shows, then you’re right!
This is another near-classic. It involves Kim West (neé Kardashian, I think.) getting a nice prone bone from the cheesiest R&B artist this side of Ne-Yo. Of course, before she was known for being naked on a motorcycle in a terrible music video for a terrible song, she was just another modern-era socialite in that was popular for having assets. And by assets, I mean ASSets. Man, I’m on one today.
The video’s got a nice angle of that world-class booty getting drilled by one of the biggest douche-bags in the universe, if that’s your thing. Although both people undoubtedly suck, I’m sure that won’t stop you from enjoying thoroughly the fruits of God’s derriere labor.
This one’s a tough one to find on the internet. Predictably, the warrior horde of lawyers behind the Kardashian empire has done a great job of keeping this pay-only. So if you want to see these goods, you’ll have to pay. Weird, right? Here’s the only teaser we could find.
3. Pam Anderson
This one was the original. When I say original, I mean ORIGINAL. Before Paris Hilton and long before Kim Kardashian, when Pamela Anderson was undeniably the hottest woman on the planet, there was this nautical sex tape that opened sexual doors for millions of teenage boys with a couple of pubes on their sacks.
Strangely enough, Anderson is now married to 1 Night in Paris “costar” Rick Salomon. Funny how the world turns.
Anyway, this is possibly my favorite sex tape on this list simply for Tommy Lee. Now normally having dudes say anything during porn has the power to play taps for my little soldier, if you will. But Tommy Lee somehow doesn’t take me out of it. The dude spouts so many cheesy lines that I’m not entirely convinced that the whole thing wasn’t an elaborate ruse perpetrated by some rogue Baywatch writer. It’s fucking hilarious.
4. Keeley Hazell
A lot of Americans aren’t familiar with Keeley Hazell, and that’s a damn shame, because, well, she’s phenomenally hot.
For those on the west side of the Atlantic, let me fill you in on something. British folks love big-breasted women, and when I say big-breasted women, I mean big-breasted women. If they’re not D’s or more, they’re not making it into any men’s magazines. That’s all there is to it. Check out some British skin mags like Nuts and you’ll see what I mean.
Following the trend of your typical lad culture British glamour models, Hazell’s measurements are 32F-24-36…which is eerily close to Sir Mix-A-Lot’s proposed perfect measurements. And she’s not 5’3″. You can see her voluptuous war blimps with a swift google search, but thanks to the power of Greysku– I mean the Internet, we dug up a couple of pretty solid tapes as well.
5. Dustin Diamond
Dustin Diamond? Dustin Fucking Diamond? Yeah right. Well hold on a second. I think this one’s worth it. Not only does it have that smack of lonely, worn-out patheticness that we humans seem to love so much, it also has a couple of decent looking girls naked, and it has everyone’s favorite high-school sidekick as well.
In general, this ain’t not the greatest sex tape, but it’s worth a watch for the laughs if anything. Dustin Diamond’s on-screen persona is hilarious — his desperate attempts at laughs and a cohesive personality in the video alone are worth it. Watch as he makes failed joke after joke at what may or may not be hookers. Spoiler alert: they’re hookers.
The girls are actually half-decent. And Diamond obviously went to some lengths for versimilitude, so you have to give him that. The whole “bachelorette party” rouse is actually pretty well done, so I gotta give him props for going all in. I don’t want to bash the guy too much, he’s just trying to make some quick cash.
Celebrities We Wish Would Release Sex Tapes
Alright, we admit it, we at AMA are a fucked-up bunch. But hey, we gotta be honest, these are the celebrities that we’d most like to see getting banged through the scruffy lense of a household video camera.
Alleged child-killing aside (she was aquitted, by the way), Casey Anthony is an absolute dime. Look at her. Slick, upturned nose, well-manicured brows, nice cheekbones, and a killer smile. Let’s be honest, you would let her chloroform you as much as she wanted if you could make a tape with her beforehand.
Even better than Casey Anthony, Amanda Knox stole our collective hearts and minds for a while as she stood trial for murder in Italy, which has a long history of murder and beautiful women, so it makes sense. But Amanda is no ordinary alleged murderer(she’s currently sentenced to 30 years in Italian prison, but Italian courts work about as well as their economy, so there’s no guarantee she’ll serve that). In fact, she’s a total fox. She’s got a very movie-star esque look to her — an air of mystery punctuated by slim features and strong eyebrows. I’d kill to see a video of her getting it on.
Dame Judy Dench
Be honest — you would love to see M gettin’ freaky. Everyone knows the Dame’s got some game, so I wouldn’t blame you for feeling no shame in watching her exclaim while engaged in the profane. Check out that headwear. Now imagine what it would be like if she were naked, a light dew on her rhino-like exterior, rocking back and forth in her office from Skyfall, looking over modern London and the River Thames as she whispers, “For England, James?”
In fact, this one might be the best sex tape of all time.