Sex Ain’t Always A Walk In The Park
Of all the ways to die, having sex has to be amongst the best ways to do it.
In a lot of ways, it’s like proverbial “going out with guns blazing”. In most cases, your gun is literally blazing.
Expiring and ejaculating isn’t a very common thing, believe it or not. Unless you’re David Carradine, the risk level for going while coming, if you will, is not very high, but it still happens every once in a while.
Here’s a list of the lucky bastards who – sometimes literally – got to go out on top.
Felix Faure is by far the most important people on this list, as the 7th President of France from 1895 to 1899. In 1899, he was receiving his afternoon fellatio from a woman named Marguerite Steinheil. In the middle of the skin-flute playing, Faure immediately fell to the floor and began convulsing.
He died soon after, a result of a hemorrhage and seizure. Perhaps most horrifying is that his convulsions led to Steinheil’s jaw being locked in place. She then waited around for help to come with a dead man’s junk in stuck in her mouth. Was he hard? Who knows. What we do know is that she had to have his member surgically removed from her mouth-club.
In March of 2013, Sharai Mawera and her lover were speaking tongues to each other in a bush outside of a primary school. That usually wouldn’t be a big deal – unless you live in the savannah in Africa, where deadly predators lurk in the shadow of the moon.
While they were making the beast with two backs, a larger beast with a single back, a flowing mane and massive claws came upon them, and immediately started clawing Mawera to bits. The lion eviscerated the poor woman, while her cohort in coitus sprinted off into the night garbed only in a condom.
He returned soon after with a group of men from his tribe, only to find her decimated corpse. The moral? Don’t fuck around in lion territory.
Some people are masturbation dilettantes. A lot of us just flip on something on YouJizz or Spankwire, lay back in bed, maybe use some lotion or moisturizer(if you’re feeling saucy), and crank away.
And then, there are the pros. These are the guys that are pushing the limits of masturbation – pioneers of penile punishment. Perhaps not coincidentally, these types of men who are looking for the kinkiest autoerotication are the same people who have too much time on their hands.
Ralph Santiago is one of those guys. A night security guard in Reading, England, the 31-year-old guy spent a lot of time on his work computer looking up new ways to get his autoerotic kicks. He apparently found the Promised Land, as in the morning he was found dead in a bathroom stall, wearing a wetsuit, gas mask, rubber gloves and rainboots. He was slumped over in the toilet – an autopsy determined he died from asphyxiation – after snuffing some poppers and choking himself to get off.
When a lot of people talk about love, they often talk about “sparks” – as if electricity is flowing between two people. Well, poor Mrs. Taylor may have taken those clichés a little too seriously, when she was electrocuted to death via electric nipple clamps.
You see, she and her husband Toby had been experimenting with electric shocks in the bedroom for quite some time(two years, he said), and one night something went wrong and she was killed by the electric current pulsing through her nipple clamps.
Talk about a shocking death.
This is the absolute crème de la crème of death via sex. Also known as “Mr.Hands”, Kenneth Pinyan became an internet legend almost overnight when videos surfaced of him engaging in buggery with a full-grown horse.
Yeah. The dude was getting tagged by some throbbing horse dick, and everyone laughed. Then, it made even bigger news – the guy was killed. The horse’s member was so gigantic that it punctured his colon, causing internal bleeding, which ultimately led to a gruesome, sad death.
This whole thing is utterly bizarre, which is why it became such a sensation. First of all, why in seven hells would you let a horse fuck you? Second, the camera isn’t still – it was later revealed that a friend of Pinyan was filming. I’m not even going to go into the psychology behind that decision. Third, in response to the death of Pinyan, there was a bill passed to make bestiality illegal.
Yeah, you read that right. Bestiality was fucking legal in Washington since its inception – over 117 years before the Mr. Hands incident. That’s probably the most shocking thing about this incident. I think more than anything, this is just another reason not to visit Washington.