What Should You Do If You Get Raped By A Dolphin?

What should you do if you get raped by a dolphin? You might think that Flipper just wants to cuddle with you, but a little known fact is that dolphins rape as many as 14 humans in the U.S. alone every year. And some of those people die. And those are just the rapes that get reported. Some victims are never found. That means worldwide, there have to be at least 30 or more dolphins getting nasty with humans that don’t want it.

Dolphin rape is a very serious issue and if you are not careful, you could be the victim of some porpoise impropriety. Here are some things to keep in mind for the next time you find one of your fishy friends getting a little too close for comfort and some tips on how to handle it.

  • Dolphins are wild animals. If you’ve ever been humped by your pet dog, you know that for many animals, their sex drive can become an uncontrollable urge, requiring you to forcefully remove them from your leg. Now imagine that dog weighs between 330 and 1400 pounds and that you are trying to swim in the ocean while it’s happening.
  • Dolphins have strong, flexible penises capable of grabbing you. That’s right. Dolphin penises, which can reach lengths of 14 inches, are capable of grabbing you by the arm and pulling you underwater. In fact, some dolphins are known to drag humans down to underwater rape caves where they can have some privacy. Scuba divers have reported finding bodies in these caves that show evidence of penetration and dolphin bite marks. So the next time you feel someone grab your arm or leg underwater, it might not be your friend pretending to be Jaws. It could just be a giant dolphin penis probing you for possible holes.

What Should You Do If You Get Raped By A Dolphin?

 

  • Groups of dolphins could be the most dangerous.  Marine Biologists studying the sexual behavior of dolphins have found that not only will dolphins engage in homosexual dolphin sex, but they will also surround and gang rape female dolphins that do not put out. A group of male dolphins could very easily grab you with their penises and pull you underwater, never to be found again. Ric O’Barry, a former trainer on the TV show Flipper who works for the World Society for the Protection of Animals to the London Times that “When dolphins get sexually excited, they try to isolate a swimmer, normally female. They do this by circling around the individual and gradually move them away from the beach, boat or crowd of people.”
  • The ocean is a big, scary, dangerous place. Every time you get into the water you are putting yourself at a slight risk of death. Swimming with dolphins may not be as dangerous as swimming with sharks, but both can prove to be fatal. Be aware of your surroundings and your swimming capabilities. If you feel scared or in danger, head for the boat or shore.
  • What to do? You can do one of two things. Relax and enjoy it, or fight back. Since the first one is probably not a desirable option for most people, Hit the dolphin on the nose or try to kick it in the penis. The testicles of dolphins are internal, but you still might have a better chance at using your leg power underwater than you would your arm power. Unfortunately if you are the victim of a dolphin rape, there is no underwater dolphin police to report the crime to. Consider yourself lucky to have survived.
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About Gerald Jeffers

Gerald Jeffers is an entertainment and men's health writer for Ask Men Answers. He holds a degree in Journalism from St. Paul University and has been with Ask Men Answers since 2011.

Comments

  1. They’re not going to have much choice in the matter… they’re just pretty much gonna die.

  2. WTF??!!!!
    Really???? :P

  3. I liked it. Made me feel like a real man.

  4. It makes me sad that I have never been raped by a dolphin. Oh Flipper my love, why do you not want my sweet sweet ass.

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