The 3 Biggest Badasses In History

You’re Not An Alpha. These Guys Are.

You think you’re an alpha? Well, you’re not.

The early 20th century was possibly the best time for men – an era filled with true alphas.

This was a time where men were men – powerful, confident, honest and full of integrity. All of these qualities come as a result of difficulty. What kind of adversity did these men face? How about the two biggest wars that the world has ever known?

World War II especially was full of heroes, men who put their lives behind their comrades or their country or their principles. The tapestry of WWII is threaded with tales of heroics from true, honest, badass alphas.

So take note of how these true alphas lived: selflessly and heroically. Yeah, you can bench 265 ten times. Good for you. Ever killed men in the triple-digits in subzero temperatures? Didn’t think so.

Nobody cares about how many women you’ve slept with or how much money you make. Get a pad and pen and take some notes — these are what true alphas look like.

Jack Churchill

jack churchill

Right before he whacked the photographer.

Mad Jack Churchill is a name many of you probably don’t know, but he is the alpha of all alphas. And no, he doesn’t take supplements.

Well, as an expert bagpiper, top-level archer, serious swashbuckler, movie dilettante and all-around military master, Mad Jack Churchill is probably one of the most baddest-assed dudes out there by a long margin.

You see, Jack loved archaisms. That is, he loved weapons that had absolutely no place on a modern battlefield.

For instance, his first act of savagery in combat was in May 1940. Churchill, awaiting a German batallion outside the French city of L’Epinette, decided that the best way to give the signal to attack would be to impale the batallion leader with an arrow.

Normally, you’d toss a hand signal, or even call it out vocally, but I guarantee that once his platoon saw the barbed end of an arrow jutting out of the German sergeant’s chest, they knew what to do. Oh, in the process, he became the only man to kill another man with a longbow during World War II, perhaps unsurprisingly. He still holds the record for last recorded bow and arrow kill in combat. Unreal.

Besides shucking arrows through peoples’ hearts in an era dominated by tanks and grease guns, Mad Jack also had an extreme affinity for a sword. So much so, that one of his most famous quotes is “any officer who goes into battle without his sword is improperly dressed.” He didn’t just like swords, though. He liked mega-swords. His trademark was a Claymore, the giant, two-handed gigantic blade not unlike the one Robb Stark uses to cleave Ricard Carstark’s head off his shoulders in Season 3 of Game of Thrones.

One of his most notable uses is in Operation Archery. As a leader of a commando platoon, he and his platoon landed at Vågsøy, Norway in December 1941. As the doors of the landing craft fell down, the sounds of an ancient Scottish tune was blaring from the craft. Out stepped Churchill, who finished the ditty unharmed, before throwing a grenade toward the enemy and slashing enemies to bits with his giant sword.

He spent the final 4 years of the war engaged in similar acts of insane heroics. He wanted a piece of the Japanese, but arrived just after the two atomic bombs dropped. He voiced his displeasure: “If it hadn’t been for those damned Yanks, we could have kept the war going for another 10 years.”

Simo Hayha

simo haya

Simo Haya. On the left is him after his face was blown to bits.

Don’t fuck with the Finns. Or at least, don’t fuck with Simo Hayha.

A simple farmer in the frozen wasteland that is Eastern Norway, Simo Hayha also happened to be an ultimate alpha male.

When the Soviets invaded Norway in 1939, he didn’t jump to his keyboard and post on /r/theredpill about how beta the soldiers stationed in the East were for letting the Russians in. No, like a true alpha, Hayha decided to take things into his own hands.

He suited up in his best cold-weather gear, grabbed his rifle and submachine gun, some food, fouund a good hiding spot and waited in the -30 degree weather until some Soviets came along so he could send them to kingdom come. As it turns out, he was pretty damn good.

Over 100 days, Hayha killed 545 people, with his rifle alone. When they got too close for his rifle, he popped out his SMG and decided to eliminate another 150 Ruskies. Total kill count? SEVEN HUNDRED AND FIVE HOSTILES. That’s quite the killstreak.

Eventually, they got Hayha, getting him in the head in March of 1940. They brought him back to base, with “half his head blown off”. Surely, he was dead.

Nope – Hayha regained consciousness about a week later, and lived a long, happy life. Fuck you, Death.

Audie Murphy

audie murphy

Looks like a beta, right? You couldn’t be more wrong.

Audie Murphy might be my favorite WWII hero. This guy is the personification of endurance, perseverance and selflessness — true alpha qualities.

At 5’ 11” and 110 lbs, 16 year old Murphy was the stereotypical phenotype of a beta male. He was understandably rejected by the Marines when he enlisted in 1941. Perhaps even more understandably, he was sent to join the Army, who saw him as obvious cannon fodder.

But the thing is – Murphy didn’t give up. He just wouldn’t die. First, he contracted malaria, which at the time had a 50% chance of killing you. He had this extremely debilitating disease for the entirety of the war. Remember that. On top of that,  he saw heavy action in Italy for a few years, but things really kicked off when he was sent to France.

When encroaching upon a group of surrendering in the outskirts of Bayonne, Germans, the crafty Krauts turned and killed a few of his platoon. Wrong move around Audie Murphy, who promptly went Hulk mode, killing ten Germans, wounding two, and taking another eleven prisoner.

In another engagement, Murphy found himself and a small group of his platoon trapped in an area called the Colmar Pocket, a hugely important area in the battle for France. Pinned down against a powerful German force, their only M10 Tank Destroyer disabled and alight, Murphy directed artillery fire via his radio, before entering the burning tank destroyer that was filled with petroleum, and firing the .50 caliber machine gun, killing or wounding 50 Germans, ignoring a severe leg wound, only stopping when it ran out of ammunition. Eventually he hobbled back to his men and drove them back out of reach of the artillery that he called in before deciding to go John McClane on a bunch of schnitzels.

Murphy was awarded with every honor possible in America, including several Purple Hearts, a Medal of Honor, and a Silver Star, making him one of the most decorated war heroes in World War II.

Even better, he was an incredible man. Despite his newfound fame, and struggling with money problems, Murphy refused to appear in lucrative cigarette and alcohol advertisements after the war, simply because he didn’t want to set a bad example. Now that is the sign of an alpha.

So, do you think you’re an alpha? THESE are alphas. Men who sacrificed. Men who were selfless. So take a moment from  bullying people on the Internet and take notes from these men. True alphas don’t care about being alphas. They care about being men.



  1. SS - Obersturmführer says:

    Who wrote this, a 12 year old who spends too much time on Call Of Duty….

    Interesting information though.

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